Neopets - Encyclopedia Dramatica

Neopets is that thing your one really retarded friend is into. Using Nikola Tesla's anal rotation device, it was developed by $cientology because they decided their normal nerdy religion wasn't bizarre and mind-fucking enough to recruit severe basement-dwellers. It is played almost exclusively by 16 year old girls, 8 year old girls, Stalin, pedophiles, furries, autistic people, rapists and your retarded friend. It's no coincidence that every single Neopet looks like some rectally induced confectionery concealed in a bag of poop.

It is similar in both concept and brief but intense and inexplicable popularity among dumbass kids as Pokemon, but instead of being a shitty gameboy game, it's a shitty Geocities-quality advertisement for McDonald's, and instead of cockbattling monsters, you buy them combs and poop, which are actually just GIF files. Why can't people just go read a good book or something?

When not bombarding kids with ads for eBay, sugary cereal, fast food, cartoons, Neopets merchandising, and porn, it is subliminally recruiting them to serve our alien overlords to help them exorcise our Thetans and live in peace on planet Teegeack.

They will also suck your money from you at a cost of $8 a month, or $70 a year, to help get rid of ads, but they shall continue to advertise themselves on TV, therefore disowning their own pledge to their players, turning into nasty, cock-sucking, money-hungry bitches.

Lastly, no one knows where to put the internal capitalization in any of the NeoWords on NeoPets.

Neopets has a Nazi like attitude and users can get their account frozen for no reason. Breaking a tiny rule that was hidden in a past away in a past editorial, being really good at Neopets causes people to report you for cheating which eventually leads to your account being frozen sooner or later, apparently abusing a glitch which can easily be mistaken as part of a game and even someone uploading a video on YouTube with your username in (how do you have control over that) - these are all stupid reasons the staff freeze you for, not caring whether your account is worthless or utterly priceless. A user in 2008 called jugular_freeman was frozen because someone uploaded an Altador Cup Hack onto YouTube under the fake name "jugularfreeman", as an example for how pathetic, unprofessional and complete morons the Neopets staff are.

Once frozen, you face a barrage of automated replies from Neopets help bots, often never relating to the real reason you were frozen. Somewhere down the line, a reply will be given saying your account has been "inactive for too long, it can't be returned" - what a load of sh!te. That's another excuse for their extreme laziness. The site is littered with cookie grabbers, auto-buyers, scammers and cheaters, so for every 1 rule-breaker frozen, Neopets freeze 10 innocent users. Little does there pathetic team of idiotic staff realize that 1/2/3/6 or whatever month suspensions would help foster a sense of learning the rules, avoid innocent users losing hundreds of hours of work on their accounts, and avoid bitterness and "revenge cheating and scamming" from people who want to get back at Neopets for being innocently frozen. Neopets has even been known to freeze for other ridiculous reasons, i.e. existing, when they post images of nude faeries and have ads on every inch of the page for porn and dating sites. (Isn't dating against the rules? Guess not.)

Neopets, unlike real pets and children, need to be fed and taken care of (sort of . . . they can stay "dying of hunger" forever, unfortunately). This is true even beyond the grave so when writing a suicide note make sure that you include instructions for how to care for your Neopets. Make sure to be a responsible and caring person like Charceo, and tell your bff to take care of your Neopets before killing yourself. That way, even if you're just kidding like Charceo, people will know how like totally serious you were.

Neopets recently became 5X more awesome (read: barely considerable to play) when it became a Net Authority violator on utter bullshit charges (read: nothing), thus completely stripping Net Authority of its last vestiges of credibility.

Artists for this website are actually hired to draw all types of hero and villain characters for plots that the users can interact in, trading cards, shopkeepers for shops, etc.

The artists unknowingly cause themselves uber loss of dignity with the poop they draw and call art.

The "villains" aren't really villains at all. Perhaps it's the large eyes or the furry face. No, that couldn't possibly be the reason why they aren't considered scary or threatening, amirite? With villainous names such as "Sloth", fear should strike your heart instantly. After all, what could be scarier than some guy trying to take over the world and failing miserably? He was DOING IT WRONG.

The "heroes" (not to be confused with an heroes) are really just nothing more than fuzzy sword-wielding animals on two legs. Your mom would like nothing more than to be saved by a furry dude wearing shiny armor and riding a horsey. Because that is OMFGHOTT!!!!!1111

The Neoboards are split into different sections including:

* Neopia's Style Showdown, where 8-year-old girls and gay men talk about 'Neopian style'.

* Avatars/Signatures, where off-topic messages get modded within one hour and noobs beg for pixel items/pets in order to obtain yet another worthless 50x50 gif.

* Battledome, where furry abuse is performed and is serious business.

* Evil Thing and Monster Sightings, full of 13 year old emo faggots arguing whether My Chemical Romance or Tokio Hotel is a better band.

* Fan Clubs, A place where you can discuss your favorite neopets.

Have a favourite pet? Petpet? Item? Discuss it here!

Actually, no. The FC is the Fan Club boards, but hardly anyone talks about Neopets. Well, they used to talk about neopets, and have lots of Neo roleplays. That all ended once the General Chat board was deleted. Now, the FC is a general chat topic. There's wars, trolls, and chat groups. There were so many queens, kings, rulers, overlords, and any other type of leader. The FC is sometimes more like a hate club. A lot of people bash Twilight and Disney music, as well as Justin Bieber. Most people there don't consider Neo to be SRS BSNS and get frozen a lot. But the FC can be a very fun place.

So, the FC used to be just the plain old Fan Clubs. It used to be on topic. People actually talked about their favorite pets!!! Until one day, the GC disappeared! All the GC ers moved to the FC and it became the new General Chat.

The people: Some of these are from a while ago And some of them aren't famous, just awesome for helping/writing some of the descriptions on this page Esther Dani Yadzia Sunao Sara Jessickness Victoria Pennstate Laur Pic Shiloh Leah Steve Crissy Alex (neonrainbowsxx) Pax Jayy Cheerio Hoodsie Jeremy Moo Milk Steph Alina Leesah Spayye Rochelle Meaty Alex (Mr_lip_rings) Uncle Fish The Markinator Wallace Crinklecut Sebatage Flog Hawk Fork Teddy Trainer Emo_soccer_freak FC Decepticons The Batman people Jellybean721 Furiously Storm Quan Morgie Toe Amber Bailey Ruby The Preps Brooke Soad Exar Shawn Oliver Theo Rawri Paige Luz Jen Shia FC FBI

Some things from the past:

Siggy pets Glowing fonts When the phantom orange shirt guy was on the boards iFC

iFC: It was the FC in Italian. The FC and the iFC had a feud/war.


Naruto Chat Group War:a group called Candy Shu and another group called iAkatsuki fought bitterly on the FC. there was no clear winner.


kFC:Korean FC. People only posted in English, and boards lasted for several months since hardly any Koreans went on the boards and TNT deleted it.


Hot Stuff 101:It was this guild that was private, and you had to be really pretty and stuff to join it, and it was about girly preppy stuff, and they had a burn book at one point and it caused mega drama. And then after they got rid of it all these little 11 year old emo girls would try to invade it.


Teddy: So, apparently, some kid made a board about a guy named Teddy, he sent people creepy neomails or something. A bunch of people pretended to be Teddy. TNT blocked the name Teddy for a while and planned to get the police involved.


Shawn: Shawn was the self proclaimed FC Tyrant a few years back. It was rumored that he was a shim, but that claim was later dismissed when he proved himself.


Exar: Exar was the leader of a huge group after Trasformers/300, the FC Decepticons, or something.


Sunao: His symbol is the techo and he loves his nose.

The Preps: The Preps were a group of "girls" who spent their time on the Newbie boards and the FC, chatting mainly about why they were better and how everyone else was ugly/dumb/rude/weird/etc. They were considered evil/crazy by a lot of people, but they are now off neopets so that they can join together to spread tyranny across the real world.

* Merchandising, where 16 year old girls can talk about their over-priced made-in-china plushie they bought at Limited Too.

* Neopets Trading Card Game, filled with animu geeks that got tired of their Pokemon and Yu-Gay-Oh! cards and decided to invest in cards with pictures of colorful anthro pixel pets and items with made-up names

* Games, where people well over 18 come to complain about how they got unjustly frozen for cheating and many other things, and fags go to gloat about their newest obviously cheated trophy.

* Help, filled with virgins who care about Neopets.

* Newbies, the scum of the boards who have donated six million threads about High School Musical, Inuyasha and its related ilk, rape, boys, puberty, AIM, ghost stories, and other random crap.

They're watching you masturbate.
They're watching you masturbate.
The funnest game evar. Spell check . . . isn't that what we have Notepad for?
The funnest game evar. Spell check . . . isn't that what we have Notepad for?

* Other Worlds, full of elitist literate faggots that think they're better than the average gaymer, and 9 year olds arguing whether Jelly World is real or not (it is).

* RP, which is full of Inuyasha, fangirls, High School (Not High School Musical, but actual high school.), fags, along with vampire or teens-injected-with-animal-DNA roleplays involving Mary-Sue characters created by emo fags with no originality. These "original" characters tend to be "goffic" or "badass" due to their trenchcoats and/or combat boots. Typical descriptions for said character contain unnecessary details about this person's past and how they angst about being almost raped during their childhood. Don't be surprised if lyrics from poop bands such as My Chemical Romance and Linkin Park appear in the posts to somehow describe just how emo or troubled the character is. Many young children learn to fap here, due to M@ting season wolf roleplays.

* The Neopian Writers, whose inhabitants are either pompous, Grammar Nazi control freaks, stupid lolcows who want their work "seriously critiqued", and trolls. It is 98% trolls. Also, there is no such thing as spam. THE NW IS ON TOPIC. The sad thing is that some of these people are actually talented writers, but choose to waste their talent writing fics about their pets or some of Neopets' many gay characters.

* Virtupets, teeming with people like you who've got nothing better to do than to eat Pocky in front of your computer while stalking the boards in search of an interesting topic.

* A pile of poop has a rarity of at least 100

If one's post about what they should name their purple pixel cat is to be taken seriously, your Neopets account must be over five months old (or around that, Neopet players are so fucking fickle). This way, all the other users know you are not a 'n00b' and can rest assured that you will not hesitate to flood their inboxes with requests for Neopoints and paint brushes bcuz dats soooo annoying omg. On Neopets, the longer you've been playing a children's game about virtual furries, the higher 'status' you attain in eyes of fellow Neopians. For example, on a board that's topic is which is the better band (let's say Fallout Boy or The Arcade Fire), the poster with the oldest account automatically ends the argument by posting their opinion on the matter (u all svck, death cab 4 cutie rools!11!). Some boards offer prizes to the poster with the oldest account. There is even an entire fucking webpage listing active Neopet users who's accounts are the oldest (over six years, Jesus Christ). Playing an online game for over six years where you can dress up your rainbow colored, talking dragon in pink dresses is really something to be proud of and something everyone should strive for.

Typically, the older accounts belong to people well over 18. These users are not afraid to voice their age on their profiles so the 12-year old users give them RESPECT. Why the Pickle anyone over 10 would be playing such a game makes no logical sense, but for a 31-year old mothers of two? LOL WUT? Get a job.

Neopets brought fail to a whole new level with their digital Neopian News. Artists and writers sprint to submit their work to this newspaper in hopes of being efamous. Below are the examples of what can be found.

* Archives- The past fail news are kept here. There are over 9000 to be found, so don't bother looking.

* Articles- Here, people talk about how they got at least 100 points in Kacheek Seek, or about how Jelly World IS REAL AND NOT FAKE U GUIZ Serious business. They also talk about how sad it is to abandon or starve your beloved digital pet, so come here if you need a quick dose of lulz.

* Editorials- This is where Neopian failures come to complain about glitches in the website, not getting an item, etc etc etc and receive rude replies from the staff. Also a place the staff tries to imitate memes and fails horribly at.

*Comics- This is where artists submit their work to be admired by. Most of them are bad ones made in MS paint in 1 minute with shitty jokes, or good art with horrible jokes. There is no in between.

It should be known that the Neopets boards are arguably the best place for a young, aspiring troll to train, considering the amount of young, inexperienced internet users on the site. Trolls need to take extra special care when wording their topics, since the moderators have a penchant for banning everyone and anything. Meaning, the use of euphemisms in your copypasta is a must. It is easy to troll the common folk of the site, but remember: to truly get EPIC lulz, persistence is key. Just don't get your ass banned unless it's called for, 'cause where's the fun in that?

1. Make an account

2. Go to boards

3. Tell everyone who will listen that NeoPets was better before, even if you have no idea what's changed.

4. Correct some grammar.

5. ???

6. PROFIT!!!

Nobody knows what exactly Scientologists plan on doing with Neopets.com. Doug Donut, total Scientologist tool and owner of Neopets, says,

“
Mr. Hubbard's organizational concepts are always with me to the point where virtually every aspect of running my companies involves the use of his administrative technology.
„

Mr. Hubbard's organizational concepts are always with me to the point where virtually every aspect of running my companies involves the use of his administrative technology.
—[1]

In other words, he recognizes L. Ron's ingenious business strategy of making people think they need to buy at least 100 different pieces of poop in order to make themselves happy. The only difference is L. Ron did this with adults and Doug Donut did this with 9 year old girls.
Not all of them are that cute.
Not all of them are that cute.

Neopets hasn't targeted their weak minded adherents to join the church yet, however conversion to Scientology is mandatory for Neopets employees if they want to be promoted[2] .

“
The negative aspects of NeoPets, all came from the side of Scientology-Oriented business structure/psyche. From the very get-go, any employee who applies for a job, will be faced with a couple of personality screening tests. I poop you not, I had a more comfortable time with my SAT's in high school! A lot of people make fun of Scientologists in an ignorant sort of way; they don't really know what goes on behind the curtains, but I assure you, it's not pretty. In hindsight, it's a little ironic that many of the execs are part of the cult, and many fledglings didn't seem to get promoted to that level without first converting (this was the case while I was there).
„


—Former Neopets slave

Needless to say, if you applied for a job at Neopets, you already lost the game.